hurricane bob

the wind comes and goes but its stuck in a storm.

 that doesnt led up. 

sudden twist and turns make it the worst 

each gust is just another powerful blow

yet the palm tree doesnt even move no matter how hard the wind blows

stage

my passion has left me and i forgot the reason why i ever did it in the first place

without my passion i am lost 

now that im lost 

pehaps i have lost myself................................................................................

destiney

im happy but not at the same time

i forget about it but then i remember why i forgot about it in the first place

it hurts yet it soothes me

i love it but at the same time i want to destroy it

i dont need it yet i do 

i would die without it yet i would live................................much happier without it

questions

why did i ever fucking care in the first place
why did i let it grab a hold of me
why did i let it choke me
why did i let it suffocate me
why did i let it kill me
but why did i let the hands revive myself ............................













when all it did was remind me why i ever let it take me for the ride

frustration

i keep lying to myself but its for my own good
but am i keeping myself from somthing needed
the more i lie to myself the bigger my web of lies is and the harder it is for myself to keep up
if it is meant to be it would happen
this is natural and why should i keep myself from that
its because im afraid and prentending that this doesnt exsist and me lying to myself wont make me weak cuz "i wont be scared"
im just afraid if i let the truth out i will ruin somthing so beautiful
i rather lie then distroy

complex

in its most complicated form.............................


















men -_-

yay

so my week is looking pretty amazing!!!

monday: hanging with the twin

tuesday: dentist then disneyland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wednesday: hanging and making a film

thursday: disneyland again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

friday: jam session then jordan coming over

the best week or wut :D

in the shadows

as the sun roles off the earth 

we go deep

into the depths of our souls

deep into thought, we get lost into each others minds

there is nothing else that matters 

this place is the one place in the universe where we get lost in order to be found

we are connected by this one place, if we werent ...well im afraid to think of life without it

no one knows about it because to them it doesnt exists 

therefore it does not matter 

but to us it means everything to release this inner motion that drives all day long

now the darkness around us gets turned off by sunshine and we turn back to what the world sees us as 

but until the next night we come alive...........

ill be waiting

so.......

i hate people who put their two sense in where it is not needed 

the water in the pool

there was none

bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

pounding in my ear

i hear it in class

i hear it during lunch

i hear it in theatre

i can even hear it when i brush my teeth

but i hear it even more when i pass you

and even more when i speak to you

its the tempo of the words that pass through my anxious lips

and when you embrace me it stops

maybe its because i cant handle it but no matter what i come back for more for even the slightest touch of the finger tips

its the greatest sound that creates the most amazing feeling in the world

like non other

you give me the courage to be open with you 

unlike the others you draw me to you causing me to hear it and when its so loud and fast to the point where i cant even hear it any longer........i know

but if its not i know im not close enough to you until its silent except for my shallow breaths

it only takes a real man to have my heart stop dead in its tracks

realization..........

its the best and most wonderful thing in the world

because when i finally knew it ...it was almost to good to be true 

and its funny because when i look back i dont know what the hell i was doing

oh yeahi know.....

 i was wasting my time

but no more of that i have bigger fish to fry now

and new ones to go try catching 

it was my main ordeal now its just a side thing

somthing i still look forward to but its not the thing i need

not that i ever did need it 

thats the thing with me is it.....

that i need it 

i need to feel it and thats why i haunt on it so much 

once im done its on to somthing new......and i will find somthing new i always do

but how bout i just stop and focus on somthing other than that 

and anything 

im a habit loving person and i create them so easily 

i just need to relax and go with it and stop fighting it

 yes realization ............

is the best thing i could do right now

just another confusing day

really today was amazing yes i was slightly all over him but hey i couldnt help it ahah?
he grabbed the note from my hand and held it out so i had to reach over him...k i admit i leaned over a little too much :P but he was just being different today and i believe that freakin dream is gonna come true .........im not ready to give up on him i just know it he different yeah he made a mistake but we are all human just like my mistake
for taking him back if he will let me................

just like my dad...

the world is so utterly judge mental
honestly i dont give a care what they think or what they say about me anymore
im me and i like me
im gonna say what i have been wanting to say for a long time
FUCK YOU WORLD AND FUCK YOU MAN-KIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now that felt good and its what i believe i love people but i hate their nature
people critize when they are no better themselves all i want to do is love......but there is a problem with that

just cause you think he is all over your sister (when in reality he is soooooo not) doesnt mean you have to go talking crap about him get over yourself honestly you arent even you anymore you are so awkward around us now ...ugh and it pisses me off that you are turning into your MOTHER and you dont believe in what she does yet you do it yourself ...........the apple truely does not fall far from the tree now does it

now you ...........
you are becoming the person i said goodbye to last year
you are becoming mean look you have dan druff ...well fuck you too... honestly go get a life and a new face because im tired of seeing it WHAT!

and to you missy ...................
you know what!!!!!!!...i freakin love you!
you are the only one that i can stand in our group and im glad you feel the same way i do because now im not alone im so done with those two ahaha i still love them but sometimes i wanna throw them off a cliff!!!!!!!!!







i just wish i didnt care anymore because if i truely did i wouldnt get so utterly pissed about it
and i wouldnt be here writting about it either.........

kidding myself

every single day i have to stare into those hazel eyes and tell myself im over it
when in reality im not
no..
not even close

jerry

for all tense and purposes the person im referring to is now called jerry. i decided to write about jerry during 7th period when he told me that my blogs were boring....thanks jerry -_-.....so i said im gonna write a blog on how stupid he is and so on and so forth he finally MADE me write a blog about him so here i am.....hmm where do i start ahahah lets try from the beginning ahaha way back to summer of '08 when we first met. two words hella scary bahahaha but it was fun. from then on we txted and txted... yeah i know we are txting whores but we...well i couldnt help it he was someone new, someone interesting, someone.... who is so similar its all most to good to b true. and back to today he ditches his 7h period everyday to come see me which we talk and talk about mostly about me because noting is wrong in his life ahaha. let me fill you in on a lil something about jerry.

hes mean to me but in a joking way..i think

he acts like his life is perfect...but we both know deep down its not as good as it seems

hes a happy go lucky kind of guy

he quotes his dad a lot

he has amazing advice (even though it may not always seem like it at the time)

and the animal that he most likely resembles is a sloth

but one thing only a few people know he is my best guy friend. i go to him for everything and he always finds a solution for wutever problem i throw at him. i love that boy to pieces....but i dont have the slightest clue on why him. of all the people in the world lil ol jerry is the one. i just think God picked him to be there when i needed him the most and thanks to jerry i have a full head of hair :D jerry is the kind of guy who would randomly hold your hand, look into your eyes, look like he is gonna cry and then start praying!!  yup random as hell but i wouldnt have him any other way. jerry also makes me question my way of thinking and my thoughts by making me take a step back and just look at the big picture which seems impossible at times but jerry finds a way. we have a lot of memories i cant even gather them all. OMG i remember this one time when me and my friend  made him but pizza boxes down his shirt to make it look like he has boobs ahaha or the time he decided to be a model for artists in france who draw naked people...thats one picture i dont wanna ever see Bahahahah :D these are just some of the precious moments i wouldnt give away for the world. i love them and i love the boy version of me....jerry

from my point of view...

shes a whore but other than that...

when you walk away with her 

you walk away with me

when you hold her hand

for a brief moment you with it was mine you were holding

when you look into her eyes.....if you can even see them through the eyeliner she uses as an eye shadow......

you will see me

and when you say goodbye to her you are thankful because the whole time you thought of me and now that she is gone you dont have to look at the mistake you made and you dont have to think of the best chance you fucked up of ever having something real

security

i feel so lonely sometimes

that at night i hold my own hand to feel safe

its sad i know that....i have know that

but the truth is sad sometimes 

honestly?!?!

what are you trying to hide

you think that i cant see it 

well you are as stupid as they come

you cant tell me then who can you tell

just admit it you are in love with her 

btw dude its your decision dont let anyone tell you who to pick and choose who makes you the happiest

people is to songs

people are like songs

its only after a while you get tired of hearing that damn song over and over again

and it makes you sick when you hear it come up again

but its the worst of all when you choose to play that song 

even when the song doesnt want to play

i dont even know what to title it

you know when you are listening to your ipod and it sometimes sounds like everyone else can hear it too but its only you, but you wish they could? well i wish my heart was like that. i want people to be able to hear its beat because i cant anymore. even though its an inconstant beat, i have gotten use to its chaos .......its like its not even there anymore 

like im heartless. and im so sick of feeling like this i want someone to here it.......

i need someone to listen to tell me im still alive

not the the living dead...

i just wanna be able to feel again

who else

its not just one person

its all of my friends who see us together and say we act more than friends

but i dont see it, do i not see whats in front of me or are they just all crazy

i cant decide anything anymore and choosing to whether to believe them or not is the hardest thing ill ever do

beautiful..and what is your definition?

does the word beautiful mean anything to you?

you talk to HER all the time

SHE is in love with YOU 

but i cant see YOU with HER ......not at all 

SHEs like so not YOUR type 

YOUR type is athletic

and to come to think of it little ol me is not that either 

i just need a sign that you and me and somthing more than YOU and HER

true?

i was hanging off the ledge and only time could tell that i was gonna fall and when i was falling you weren't there to catch me you were falling next to me but then we both were frozen in the air and time stood still just for us to have a second chance and take a look at it.....................................

we  were eachothers second chance at love <3

suffocating....its a funny thing

when i start to cry and throw my face into my pillow.......even thought its uncomfortable the struggling i have to breathe feels good because when i don't  breathe for those couple of seconds it's a sign of me letting go......

Man period?

i see it....

Even your friends see it...

But the question is do you see it?

You're confusing the heck out of me. You are an emotional roller coaster met with a alien for all i know. you take not only twist and turns but you do 360s. one minute you like me the next you act like you don't even know me. What is your problem.....wait youre good at math aren't you? well i have one problem you wont be able to solve math boy its.....

you + me = ?

yeah thats what i thought you don't even know and thats why you are doing these 360s and you're taking me with you. i'm not your doll that you can drag around with you. if you had the key to my heart maybe this ride....lil game or whatever you have going on would be worth it but HUN you aren't even close! oh i see you don't want that...whatever thats fine but just realize that i'm not gonna be there when you need to fell loved. once im gone its audios

What i'm trying to say is are you worth my time or should i just move on from your sick...dark......twisted man period you are constantly on. but if you just need time then tell me when you have gone through menopause, grew up and your are ready for my heart....if you are even lucky.....

The Bridge

i know that when you are done with somthing you are suppose to burn the bridge..

but what happens when the bridge doesnt want to burn?

when..

all else fails 

write about it